Actively valuing others: Monday Matters #7
One of the questions I get asked most frequently when working with teams or individuals is ‘how do I give critical feedback?’. Of course I believe it’s really important to be able to know how to give critical feedback effectively, and when delivered skill-fully can really help people grow and develop, and reduce frustration or confusion within a team. But it’s something that should be used sparingly and in situations where there is trust and respect.
When a person is underperforming it is often the case that their manager starts paying attention to all the things they do wrong. They might start to highlight the things that are going wrong and the person then begins to feel increasingly judged, which in turn causes them to lose motivation or make more mistakes. These mistakes then get picked up immediately by the boss that’s actively seeking evidence of their poor performance. A person doesn’t even have to be underperforming in the first place for this spiral to occur. Often if a person begins a relationship with a negative belief about someone else - perhaps a bias that makes them believe someone isn’t worthy of a job role - they look for evidence that perpetuates that belief.
It’s easy to pick holes in others. It’s much harder to actively value people and build up their strengths. But when you do it can be transformational - it can increase motivation, build trust and unlock someone’s true potential. Here’s 4 ways to help you actively value others.
Start with belief and trust
Some have the ethos that people need to ‘earn their trust’. While I understand this logic for certain situations - I wouldn’t leave my kids with a random stranger on the side of the street, or pay large sums of money to someone I’ve met in a chat room for example - at work withholding your trust can make it harder for others to do a good job and can also perpetuate inequalities. Managers that withhold their trust in people often withhold information and make themselves less accessible. In addition, their distrust is often applied unfairly to people - bias causes people to give their trust much more quickly to certain people and withhold it from others unfairly.
Starting out in your relationships by believing that people want to do a good job, believing that they act with the best intentions, and believing that they have potential and useful skills, will help to create a more supportive environment where people are given the space and freedom to prove what they are capable of. There will be times when others let you down but it will be far fewer than the amount of people and opportunities you stifle from starting from a place of distrust.
Ask yourself a simple question
When you find yourself feeling let down by or frustrated with a team member and feel a desire to share negative feedback with them try pausing for a moment and actively ask yourself “What do I value about this person?”. If you generally have a good working relationship then remembering what you value about someone will calm you down and help you think more logically about whether the critical feedback you were about to give is useful. If you feel much more strongly that someone is incompetent or infuriating than pushing yourself to identify something of value about them will enable you to get more of what you value from them, and less of the things that you find exasperating or challenging.
Give appreciative feedback
When you think of something you value about someone tell them. Whether someone is struggling with work or absolutely flying, hearing that you value their approach or are appreciative of something they do will give them motivation to keep going. A Gallup survey found that 67% of employees whose leaders focused on their positive traits and successes were fully engaged in their work in contrast to the 31% of employees whose managers focused on the negatives.
I use the words ‘appreciative’ feedback rather than ‘positive’ because all too often the positive feedback we give to others is generic and rarely helps that person identify what they should do more of to gain your recognition. Responding with “this is great” might make some people feel good about themselves briefly but it doesn’t necessarily help them to know what it is that you actually value. Instead saying things like “Thank you for being patient with me the other day in that meeting when I kept going round in circles” will help them to know that you appreciate it when they listen to you. Or perhaps someone often sends you lengthy confusing emails, and one time they send you a shorter, clearer email - notice what you value about it and say “I really appreciate it when you do succinct write ups because it helps me to know what to focus on”. Saying this once, in comparison to complaining about their usual lengthy write ups, can have far more power because it will encourage them to keep doing the things that you recognise as good work.
Know your own strengths and weaknesses
We often fail to value others because we either think we can do things better. In very homogenous teams I often see a lot of resentment build because everyone is wanting to do the same kind of work and operate in a similar way to one another. It can actually sometimes be more frustrating for people when they work with others who do the same work as them, and they do that work in a similar but not identical way. They end up nitpicking at the small differences in approach. Whereas when you work with people who have completely different set strengths to you and you purposefully make use of those differences you’ll discover a much more complementary relationship where it’s easier to value what they do because you know for sure it’s something you’re no good at.
How often do you think about what you value about others? When was the last time you told someone that you valued them? When have you felt most valued in your work? What did that person do to make you feel valued and how did it affect your work?
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